Marital Amiss

Four Ways To Guarantee Divorce

If only we could register for everlasting happiness, tick off our modest request right between the Wedgewood’s Runnymeade Blue and a Riedel Decanter. While there are no guarantees for marital bliss, there are some guarantees for eventual divorce, and where ever you stand in your relationship now, it’s a good time to reevaluate yourself and your partner. We’ve all heard money matters and know thyself first, but making love stick around when things get sticky can become an emotional game of Twister that defies cliché. If you want to avoid the often tiring drudgery of making your longterm relationship longer, follow these four guidelines.

  1. Embrace the Fantasy Factor: Although no one can really know a potential spouse’s potential for faithfulness, you can certainly encourage your own potential to stray. If you find yourself fantasizing about the biker in the bookstore, or your true love from 6th grade, give into that fantasy. In the flush of passion and the warmth of a new love, small yearnings can be dismissed as healthy distraction, but in ten years, when your love (and partner) gravitates to drooping with second-degree freshness, it is simply too easy in today’s world to make fantasy a reality. If you’ve had too much reality, thank-you, with dirty socks and boring music and the same bloody soccer blaring through your Saturday, simply nourish those too-romantic tendencies and create a world inside or outside your head with a new target. Realizing that half of real love is the every day choice to be with that love, to nurture and nourish that love, and no other love is only for those who want to stay married.
  2. Stale, baby, stale. Putrefy thy love: Presenting our best face for company is an instilled value – but a lifelong partner no longer enjoys company manners, and many couples make the mistake of eventually showing only their worst face at home. Such an insidious vice often takes the mild form of leaving the toilet seat up, gaining twenty pounds, or scattering your tampons in plain view, but you can use this familiarity to breed contempt. Show your partner he deserves better, by giving your best face to company only; reserve the worst of yourself for him. Divide the Pie between work, children, Girl’s play, home, the Gym, colleagues, your garden – a few years of licking the crumbs of your time, and he’ll have his fingers in someone else’s. Happy couples keep allure and respect in a relationship, sharing more than complaints and the last beer. Bring home your stress and dump it into the family vault, and you’ll win the keys to freedom.
  3. Misrepresent yourself, especially to yourself: A single human personality contains many (hopefully) integrated versions, but if you are playing up your earth goddess side to complement his hunter/gather side, you may find yourself stuck in that role forever. If you are Investment Banker Supergal to his Wall Street Maven, what happens if you want to kick off your heels and make hummus? You can insure a trip to Las Vegas for a quickie if you walk down that aisle revealing only one dimension; we ladies are more than 3-D, and no one can maintain the facade for a lifetime. We all know that Magic Slate girlfriend, who slid the bar under her own personality, erasing or adding to satisfy her current beaux – be a Magic Slate Wife and someday, the real you – maybe a few of them – will lead a revolt to take control of the slate and erase your current life.
  4. Ignore your conversation compatibility: Sex ends every disagreement when you’re in the heat, and the added passion pushes you towards those colored lights. Disregard any warning signs – your secret disdain for his every true interest, from baseball to lawn care; his tendency to rant over politics while you stifle a yawn; your divided interests in everything from food to fashion. Relax. You are headed for a limited partnership, quickly terminated when one or both of you cool down. Yes, a great lay makes your bedroom an attractive place, but real marriage takes place in other parts of the house. Sex, stronger than any other part of marriage, rollercoasts through highs and lows, feast and famine, lactating mothers and bone-tired daddies. Sex matters, but if you want an escape clause in your relationship, make it matter too much, and enjoy the (brief) ride while it lasts.

You don’t have to be a neurological surgeon to appreciate the difficulty of lifelong commitment thus the eagerness to avoid a lingering slow death of love. Better to head straight for D-Land; who wants to be a Silver Divorcee? Don’t worry if you can’t follow all four suggestions – a thorough rendering of one will probably suffice to topple an already shaking structure. Bon Voyage!

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1 Comment »

  1. Taffy Said:

    Okay, so not sure how I missed your entire blog, complete with pictures, the first time around. But, but, but, finally read all the way through. I loved marital amiss –you’re such a clever one with word play, dear sister. Now, I guess this is published to all, but since your readership is small, I don’t mind. Enjoy today and I love you.


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